I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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