Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
This baby is an asshole
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
