do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
