I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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