I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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