Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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