Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
