Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
