I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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