i need an iv and a liver transplant
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
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