remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Randomize
