I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
