Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
now i know why i became what i already was.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
