Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
