you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Randomize
