you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
