ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize