i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I just want to make out with him forever
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
