you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
