I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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