you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
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