Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
