I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
