Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
