pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
They took my balls.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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