last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
