I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
