I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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