Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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