sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
