I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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