connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize