apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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