I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
