I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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