she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
