I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
