just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
