the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
