apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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