Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
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