dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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