Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
