see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Randomize
