My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
