I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
