and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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