I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
porn star boner night. come get it.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
