he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Randomize
