can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I supernannyed him into submission
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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