He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
