just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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