The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Randomize
