I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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