I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Who wears a wallet chain?!
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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