I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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