I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
