she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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