whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
