I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
