Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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