He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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