I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
