I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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