I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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