You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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