Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
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